Silence

 For as long as I can remember I have always had the TV or radio on as background noise. I never wanted the house to be quiet. While I worked or cleaned or played on my phone, the TV was always on. Then I started reading like an obsessed person in September. I stopped watching television and the music I listen to was always white noise or ambient sounds. They centered me and now I barely have the television on at all. In fact, I enjoy the silence more than anything. I don’t know when the switch happened, but it did and I’m not sure I know how to express some of the feelings that comes with that I want to figure it out. I’ll sure as heck put it here.  

So death and religion? Ok.

 I am not sure what direction this blog will take. For now I think I am just going to talk about the things that pop in my head. I am going to be 52 years old in August. It's crazy to think that I am that old. I know it isn't OLD per se but my life is half over and I will admit. I am afraid of death. I don't know why. It's not like I am going to know I'm dead. 

I am always conflicted. I was raised catholic by protestant parents but never got confirmed. I don't quite recall why I didn't, but I know it never happened. Over the course of my life my religious views have been gray.  I was raised to believe in God and Jesus and if you're good you to go to Heaven if you're bad you go to Hell. 

I believe in spirituality. I have come to find I connect more with that end of things, Wicca and that end of the spectrum seem to fit me the best.  I have tried to return to the Catholic religion a few times. Admittedly when I am in need of help but any religion that shuns people that don't love the right gender or profess to be one thing while doing the most vile things behind closed doors, will never set right with me. 

I think there is something out there after we are gone. I just don't know what that means. I talk to my dad a lot in times of trouble and inevitably the answers come to me in one way or another. Coincidence? I don't know. I guess I just want to believe he's still taking care of me after all these years.  Yesterday I was sitting on my reading chair and my front door that was very much closed shut, opened up like someone just walked in. It's not the first time it's happened. I guess it won't be the last. I would like to think it's him coming for a visit. My mom lives upstairs from me. She needs him way more than I do. 

I hope I go quick. I hope my son doesn't have to suffer my loss too much. I don't want him to grieve long. I told him that when  I close my eyes for the last time, he can decide what to do. I remember the 4 hours I spent staring at my father in his casket at his wake. Willing him to wake up. He didn't by the way. I greeted people I had never met or don't remember.  My dads' death is a whole other subject for a different day. I'll leave it for now.

Until next time......

Sanchez started it.

This morning I shared a very personal post about my struggle with 33 years of shame and embarrassment related to excessive facial hair. My great friend and one of my biggest supporters said this.

 SO... Here we are. I am going to treat this blog just like she said. I have zero idea how much I will share and when, but when I do, you can  choose to join in or just keep scrolling.

Thank you Sanchez. For someone who doesn't always believe in themselves, you always believe in me.